I had this plan worked out in my head for like three months. Well actually, for 90 days, pretty much since Willow left. We had this whole “we can’t forgive you right away” thingy going on with Buffy and Dawn and Giles and I didn’t realize that Willow would be gone without me getting to make her feel better. Not that she was gone poof, too fast for me to do anything. This was a long prepared plan. Willow going to England with Giles during summer so she would… think about what she did. Meditate. Ruminate. Call it whatever you want, it’s still pretty obscure to me. We called her and talked to her of course, when she was there. But it didn’t really help me to figure out what exactly she was doing with her days. I mean, I love Giles. But three months alone with him when you only packed a bunch of clothes and pictures? I don’t think I’d go mad, but bored has got to be well ranked. Willow just never seemed bored when I talked to her on the phone. I wouldn’t say giddy or over-enthusiastic, but she wasn’t weary and pleading to come back to dear ol’ America. And she wouldn’t talk about what she did. It wasn’t “I’ll never tell you, dumb ass!”, but somehow she managed to stay real cryptic about it. Okay, maybe I never asked “What on earth do you do when you’re not sleeping?” because it just didn’t seem appropriate (let’s say she answers that I’m rude and she never wants to see me or anyone again, well I’d feel pretty guilty. Or if she says she’s sleeping with Giles –which, let’s hope, will never happen- I’d feel stupid for asking. Anyway.), but I was sort of thinking it would come up, that she would talk about it. She never did. Which suddenly makes me wonder, what did we talk about? But that was not the point of this thinking, was it?

So. The plan. Yeah. When I first came up with it, it seemed like a great idea. Now that I’m supposed to talk Willow into it when I get to Buffy’s home, I’m not that sure. We might have a great time, but it might also turn into a nightmare. But in Sunnydale, pretty much everything might turn into a nightmare, even birthday parties (especially birthday parties?), so I guess it’s just a normal start. Oh, here is Buffy’s house. I can’t wait to see my little Willow.

The reunion is just normal, which is normal in itself as we’ve only parted a dozen of hours ago. We just all needed sleep after we waited for Willow’s plane, or after we flew for hours, in Willow’s case. The fact that it was 1am when the plane landed probably has something to do with it too –I actually wonder why Giles made her fly on that plane? Of course it was two hours late, but still, you don’t send someone back home on a 11pm fly, do you? Anyway, we were all exhausted when we finally got that welcome back hug with our sweet witch (or maybe I should go on denying the W-word?), so we all happily all went home and slept –that’s what I did anyway, but I have the feeling the girls didn’t have a girly gossiping-all-night time. They seem all too refreshed when I come in.

So I get a morning hug from everybody in the room –which is only Buffy, Willow, and Dawn- and it’s nice, having them all in the same place, smiling and laughing. Maybe not laughing their heads out, but it still more cheered up than before England (which I usually call B.E because it’s so much simpler). So I feel I can joke around without them looking at me bewildered and that’s just good. I know some of my jokes are bad, but it’s terrible to feel they’re out of place.

“Hi guy,” Buffy greets me.

“Hey my girls. Still feeling the jetlag from the small island, Will?”

“No, sleeping definitely helped.” She smiles and I love her for that. She just looks so great and cute and I feel like hugging her again. I missed her so much.

“What about you, Xander? We didn’t wake you up, did we?” Buffy asks.

“He’d probably be wearing something else if we had,” Dawn notices. “Like that old frumpy shirt. The yellowish one.”

The worst thing is she’s right. Somehow it’s always this wonderful yellow jacket I pick up when I dress up in a hurry.

“You trying to tell me something, Dawnster?”

“Apart from ‘get rid of the stupid shirt’, I don’t think so. And actually, I like it when you’re wearing it. It feels like you’re a superhero or something. A star.”

“Has wearing old yellowish shirts become a super hero item when I was gone?” Willow wonders.

“It’s just, you know, you have to have something special to wear this shirt. Like you’re totally absorbed in what you do you don’t even realize what you’re wearing was never stylish and is never going to be. Or you’re too cheap to buy something better because you're spending all your time fighting baddies. Like Spiderman.”

“I’m stylish,” Buffy complains, “and I fight stupid vampires all the time.”

“Yeah, but you’re different. You’re... my sister. You’re bound to have good taste in clothes.”

“I know some Queen C. who would quite disagree,” Willow smiles. “For the stylish Buffy part anyway. She’s always picked on Xander about what he wore so I guess she’d still happily have a go at it now.”

It’s funny how Willow has this slight English accent now. The way she just said ‘quite’ screams Giles. Again, so cute. I gotta stop the cuteness madness soon or I’ll end up hugging her for days. Or I might worry that I find Willow cute when she has this Giles accent. Either way, no good.

“You know what? This amazes me,” I say. “I try to dress up and look nice for once, and we end up discussing my not being stylish. You’re really trying to depress me, aren’t you?”

I try to do the puppy eyes but I know I’m not that good at it. It works anyway, because Dawn comes up to me and kisses me on the cheek, and for some reason we all laugh.

“You’re a cutie, Xander girl, don’t worry,” Dawn says.

“Yeah, this pants really suits you, have you thought about modeling for Calvin Kline?” Buffy adds. “They’d love you.”

“Okay, and now I feel all stupid,” I smile. “Come there Willow, so I can use you as a shield against all this mean sarcasm.”

“Poor Xander.” She comes and shuffles my hair. I just combed it but I don’t say it. Weirdly, I think it’d set the whole thing off again.

“So,” Dawn says after a short blank. “What are we doing?”

“You mean apart from standing there?” I ask.

She peeps at me because she knows I know she knows I know what she’s really talking about (did that make any sense?) as I’m the one supposed to talk about it, but I like to sound naive sometimes. Plus, funny. Or I think it is.

“I think we should go and have a sit in the living room,” Buffy offers. She’s really turning into a nice household now, I think she feels good about it. It certainly has been a good summer for the Buffster, far from the chipped, mentally-disturbed-Spike. You bet. “Hey Xander? We have like two pancakes left, if you want them. We’re stuffed.”

“Yeah, stuffed. Definitely,” Willow strengthens by rubbing her stomach and making a face. “I think I had one too many.”

“And still I won the contest,” Dawn grins. “Which was a dumb contest, but which I still won.”

“I’ll take them,” I say. I grab the plate where the two pancakes lie and I follow them in the living room. “I knew you needed a manly man for something.”

We all sit and now I’m also getting a look from Buffy. I try to have a “I know, I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna bring it up just please give me time because I’m so scared I’ll screw it up” look, but it may be a bit too complicated to convey in one glance. I start thinking about how I could bring it up without it looking weird but then I realize the Summers women got bored with me and did it themselves.

“We’ve gotta talk about something,” Dawn says. Willow looks surprised and she’s the only one, so she quickly gets she’s going to be at the center of the talking.

“You know how it wasn’t… easy before you went with Giles?” Buffy asks. “Like we couldn’t really do all the things we used to do because it just seemed wrong?”

“I know.” Willow looks at the floor and she suddenly looks so vulnerable, I feel bad for her. “And I know we can’t pretend nothing happened, even now I’ve been with Giles. We had this speech.” She looks a bit hurt. My Willow.

It’s hard. It is for me so I guess it’s only harder for her. It’s hard not being able to say, ‘oh, jeez, what’s wrong with us? You killed a guy with your own hands, you threatened to end the world, it’s not that big a deal’, and at the same time you just can’t spend time with her without wondering about it, without asking yourself things like ‘can we redeem a murderer?’. Sometimes I feel awful because I’ve always been so harsh on Angel and now I can’t be that harsh with Willow, because... it’s Willow. I can’t come up with something better. It’s Willow. Part of me still can’t believe she did what she did, how could this part go all judgy on her? And it’s weird to say that Giles, Buffy, Dawn and me we helped each other not being too nice on Willow because she didn’t deserve it right away, because it sounds so mean from us. I’m lost. Hence the day, I guess.

“Hey Will, don’t worry. We know that,” I say with all the sweetness I can have. She looks up and smiles weakly.

“It’s just… You’ve been in England and you did things, with Giles and all,” Dawn says. “And we don’t know what happened there.”

“Like we’re not through the process of getting over it, you know? Because we didn’t have these three months with you,” Buffy tries to explain.

“I get it,” Willow says calmly. “So when are you through the process?”

“We don’t know,” Dawn admits. She ponders. “Actually I’m kinda through it, but everybody isn’t.”

“We’re taking you horse-riding!”

All eyes turn to me. I might have said that too loud and too cheerfully. Dawn and Buffy burst into laughter, I guess it wasn’t exactly the way I was supposed to bring the subject up.

“You’re what? Xander, you all right?” Willow asks, concerned. At least she doesn’t have this guilty look anymore.

“Okay...” Now Buffy and Dawn are done with the laughing and they’re all looking at me. Pressure, bad! “Uh, remember this uncle I have in Colorado?”

“Uncle Rory’s twin?” Willow looks a bit disgusted. She remembers him.

“Yeah, that’s the one. Anyway, he’s come and decided to get rich in California. He just opened some kind of ranch a few miles away from here, so we thought we might go there for a day and, you know, have a fun time with the horses and the nature and that kind of things...” My voice faded off because Willow just looks everything but thrilled at the idea.

“It-it’s a great idea, guys.” She looks uneasily at everyone in the room. “But… I-I hate ponies.”

Ah ah. This was kind of the weak part of the plan. Going horse-riding with Will considering she hates these animals since she’s four.

“I know. I was there,” I remind her. Even though I’d know all about it all the same if I hadn’t been there because as soon as a horsy thing come up she talks about that arm-eating pony. “But we thought, we’re going to make it a “let’s forget everything for a day” day thing. You know? Like for a day we don’t talk about what happened and why it happened or anything.”

“Just us and the ponies?” Willow looks scared now.

“But we’ll have a great time!” Dawn promises. “I went horse-riding all the time when we were in L.A and it’s fun.”

“Plus they’re not ponies, they’re horses,” I remark, but I know it doesn’t help much.

Willow doesn’t seem to have heard what I said anyway. It’s not that I had forgotten about her fear of ponies – I hadn’t! But then my uncle told me about his new ranch and somehow I thought that it would be a good way to spend a “let’s forget everything” day because well, we’d have something to work on : the ponies. It was perfect in my head and everyone had seemed to agree, but then the most important part of the plan doesn’t seem to like the idea that much. Worst, she is almost getting teary. And I’m pretty sure it’s not happy teary.

“I look at horses and I see really big ponies,” she whispers, and I feel awful.

It’s like the words hurt her and I’m supposed to be her best friend. Best friends don’t make you say words that hurt you. I don’t make her say stuff that hurt her. It’s not me. I make her laugh, I make her smile. I’m lost again.

“Hey Will, don’t worry.” Buffy just spoke, and I turn to her. She’s feeling pretty bad about the whole thing too for what I can gather. “If you don’t want to, we won’t do that. We just thought... you know, it’d be a change. We’d all think about something else. And we can show you stuff, like how horses can be nice.”

“Some horses are really cute and cuddly, too,” Dawn says. “We can find you a black and white horse and he’d be like Mr Horse Fantastico.”

I’m not sure that open reference to the cat that Willow and Tara raised together was a good thing (actually I was confused to see that keeping Miss Kitty Fantastico didn’t make Willow cry more, but she just looked happier to have the cat), but Willow doesn’t burst into sobs like I feared, she manages to smile.

“You’re right. I mean, I guess. I’m not feeling the big love for ponies yet, but maybe I can try. If you help me. You know. I want to have that day. The “let’s forget everything” day?”

“We’ll have it,” Buffy smiles, and she goes and hugs Willow. I feel like jumping on my feet and saying ‘hey, she got an extra hug! I want one too’, but I don’t. Even I can feel it’s too childish. “And I swear you’re gonna have a great time.”

The feeling that Willow was going to cry is gone, thanks god. I couldn’t have stood it. I don’t know what made Willow teary then, and I wonder if I should ask. I want to know, I want to know everything about her again because I’m her best friend and I didn’t take enough care of her for the last years and especially for the last three months (though I can forgive myself that because her being in England made it pretty difficult). But there must be a private line somewhere. I’m just not sure where it is now, but I’m pretty sure I’ll cross it if I ask her to explain in front of everyone.

“So who’s coming?” Willow asks.

“Everybody,” Dawn answers enthusiastically. “Everybody being you, Xander, Buffy, Anya and me. We’re going tomorrow. It’s gonna be totally cool.”

Again, we laugh for no reason. Dawn has a way to express herself sometimes, with so much verve, it makes you feel good about everything. A little like Willow when she’s overexcited.

“Tomorrow?” Willow frowns. I think the pony picture is back into her mind. “Isn’t that… I don’t know. Very close?”

“We thought it’d be nice. We missed you so much.” I’m not sure Buffy’s making her point clear.

“We’re craving for that day, Will,” I say. “We want to spend a day with you and not having to feel guilty about it afterwards because we sent you the wrong message or something.”

Let me explain the whole day off the guilt again. When I stopped Willow from ending the world, we all went back to Buffy’s house and had this big talk about Will. Except she wasn’t there with the gang because she was sleeping and sobbing in Buffy’s bedroom (no one dared leading her to the room she had shared with Tara) and anyway I think she wasn’t in the emotional state of talking about the whole thing clearly yet. Anyway, we talked. And we came to the conclusion of the trip to England. We all trusted Giles and with my wedding and Buffy boinking Spike and Dawn shop-lifting and Anya demonness, well none of us felt they had any right to go all judgy and I’m going to redeem you with Willow. So we handed it up to Giles, even though he was actually the one to talk about it first.

The only thing was Tara’s funeral. Oh jeez I can’t believe I’m on that again. It was simply horrid. And believe me, I don’t use horrid too often. She was buried in Sunnydale because that’s what she wanted (or at least her will said so –god, she had written one! Last time I thought about writing a will was when I was eight and I wanted to be sure my blue pencil would go to Willow) and her whole family came over. I can’t say it was worse than the wedding ceremony because this time I didn’t have to spend every single minute with the family because it wasn’t mine, but it was bad. If Buffy and Giles hadn’t talked with them and defended Willow and if I hadn’t made sure she was never near Tara’s family, I think they would have ripped her out. They were all so angry, and Willow was just so sad that those days and the ones following the wedding run pretty close for the “makes you want to dig yourself into mud and never appear again” award. Back to the point. Willow had to stay here in Sunnydale until the funeral was over. I had the sick impression of living again the Joyce episode and there was nothing to be pleased about in there, especially since I spent all my time with Willow the mourner.

There is something terrible about going to the funeral of your best friend’s lover when the said best friend is a brand new murderer. You want to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay, that life is unfair, but you can’t help thinking – no matter how sick and how much of a jerk was the guy she killed - that she made another family feel as bad as she is feeling just for the sake of vengeance. Giles had told us all it was gonna be hard during that big talk. For the remaining days before he flew back to England with Willow, we had to find a balance between sympathy –because of Tara- and no mercy. We were supposed to help Willow deal with the events without letting her forget that what she had done was wrong, because she couldn’t get away with it. And it was all too complicated for me. This B.E time was hard, but we got through it. When we hugged Willow goodbye before she and Giles left, the hug was cold enough she knew she still had things to work out. And as days passed by, I began feeling terribly sad about that cold hug because I missed good friendly warm cuddly Willow hugs. And when I realized we would have to resume that cold attitude to Willow for a while when she would be back, I got the “let’s forget about everything for a day” idea. I wanted to get that warm cuddly hug and not feel bad about it.

I thought that deciding of a particular day for that would be good. Because there would be nothing to wonder about that way. That would save questions and answers because Willow would know why we acted as though nothing had happened. But if we can act like this, doesn’t that mean we’re “through the process” as Buffy put it? I’m not sure. But I believe that day off will do me good. The horse thing? It came up with my uncle, obviously. And also because we thought that if we had something else to worry about than how we were acting with Willow, it was better. Maybe we shouldn’t have chosen one of her pet peeve as a “something else”, but hey, nobody’s perfect. At least she’ll probably have plenty else to think about, like how she could run away without us noticing and stuff like that.

“Yeah. We’re kinda sick of the wrong message being sent. We just want to have fun,” Dawn admits, which is *not* what I was suggesting. Ok, maybe. But I wouldn’t have said it.

Buffy glares at her sister but it feels like she doesn’t really mean it. She’s tired of it too, I know that much. She told me. Quickly, because Buffy always believes she has to be the strong superhero grown-up and all, but she told me. “I wish things could be like they were.” She whispered it and never mentioned it again but I know she meant it.

“Okay. I guess tomorrow’s not worse than any other day.”

So we won. Tomorrow’s a big day.

***********

“Buffy, where are my boots?”

Typical morning scream from Dawn. Okay, it may be a typical morning scream from a teenager, nothing to do with Dawn herself, but I’m not around many other teens.

“I don’t *know*, Dawn. They’re your boots,” I reply.

“But didn’t you move them?” There are some shuffling noises. Where *is* she looking for these boots? Anyway, I don’t answer. She’ll find them.

I check the mirror one last time. I guess it’s useless because you’re not supposed to look good to go horse-riding, but it seemed weird to dress up à la Xander just because we’re going to do sports. Not that I’m wearing anything stylish or something, I’m casual. Anyway. Who cares. I’d better check if Dawn has found her boots so we don’t leave too late.

I check the hall clock quickly. Xander should be here any minute now... And of course Dawn’s wearing her boots now. I sigh but nobody hears me, and I don’t want anybody to hear me anyway. I’m complaining about that routine but I can’t think of going back to having no routine, or the “let’s have sex with Spike so I can feel even worse afterwards” routine. Oh god, I’m back there again. I hate it, really.

“Where’s Willow?” Dawn asks looking towards the first floor.

“She’s coming. She was brushing her teeth,” I inform her, and I begin tying my shoes.

I hope everything will go all right. Everything’s gone so wrong last year I guess it can’t be worse, but you never know in Sunnydale. Xander’s uncle could turn into a ferocious children-eating monster –please, let it not happen. I want a normal day. I want to be with my best friend.

“Oh, here you are,” Dawn says. Willow must have showed up. “You ready?”

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t have my armour though.” I stand up as Willow reaches the bottom of the stairs. Dawn looks worried, I think she’s afraid Willow will have a bad day. “Hey don’t worry Dawnie. I’m not going to top myself. I know I don’t like ponies but I’m not depressed.”

Top herself? So she did catch up some English phrases. It’s funny, completed with that new slight English accent of hers. I wonder if they had diction classes or something with Giles? But it did her good, anyway. Not the accent. The time with Giles. I think it all did good to all of us.

We have to wait for Xander and Anya to arrive so we all sit in the entrance and talk. Today feels normal, we’re good at the game, I like it. There’s still a part of me who’s whispering that Willow shouldn’t have a good time after what she did, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of feeling guilty for everything that happened since I was brought back, I’m tired of not being a good friend because Willow did what she did. I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t forget it. And I won’t. I’m just not that kind of person. But... it would just be easier if we could get over it once and for all. Bad but easier. Like “toping oneself” when you’re feeling down because you were better dead. Like sleeping with someone you hate because sex with him makes you forget your problems. I’m back there. Damnit.

The ranch isn’t that far from Sunnydale if you take the highway to Los Angeles. I don’t talk much as we drive there, because they can do the trick without me and I don’t feel like saying anything. As we pass by a Los Angeles sign, Angel crosses my mind. Not that I suddenly feel like going to see him, but I often think about him. I wonder… how he’s doing since that time we met in October. He said maybe we could see each other this summer because at the time we both thought I was gonna go back to college during the school year. Which I didn’t, and which I never had the nerve to tell him. I’m just stupid. And out of the blue I’m thinking I should have called him because then he would have come and I’d have had sex with him instead of Spike and I’d probably feel way better now. And again the words ‘stupid me’ come to my mind. The curse, of course. But hey, who knows that my molecules being all different won’t prevent the curse from setting off or something? And now I’m just daydreaming. Angel has a lot of other stuff to worry about than little old me. I wonder why he didn’t call though. Was he too busy? But again, it’s not like I tried to call him myself.

We’re there. Or I guess we are because the car stops and everybody gets out and I have to quit my thoughts. The weather is warm and sunny, not too hot though as there’s a mild wind. Dawn and Willow look super-thrilled by the place, they’re laughing a lot and Xander seems happy. He really needed to see Willow again. Anya’s just curious, but she never really gets excited except when it has something to do with money or Xander –actually, only money now. The wedding story has kept Xander at a distance… Yay, we really screwed everything up.

I look around me and I must admit it’s a nice spot. There are a lot of trees and space, but no horses. Willow’s enthusiasm will probably cool down when she sees them – I hope she’ll have a good time though. Me, I like horses. Or at least I don’t have a problem with them. They live on Earth, I do too, good for us. I learned to ride when I was little, like Dawn, but I stopped because I liked ice-skating way more. I think I never really liked the idea that I had a life to take care of – may it only be a horse – because I was always so afraid I’d hurt him. I guess I won’t have that issue going on today, because I seriously doubt I can’t take care of a horse if I manage with Dawn. Okay, it’s pretty different but both are alive. I should stop comparing.

Xander leads us to the first wooden building we can see, and as we walk toward it the horse smell becomes obvious. At least we didn’t go to the wrong place... Xander’s uncle looks exactly like his uncle Rory. The twin part covered that, of course. Anyway, he’s got this strong Colorado accent and laughs a lot for no apparent reason, which is weird but not repulsive. He tells Xander a few stuff and says he has to take care of the foals so he’d better get going, have a nice time and don’t kill my babies!

Okay. Where am I?

It turns out the uncle has blind confidence in Xander. He gave him two keys to the buildings where we should find the animals and the bridles, from what I gather. Willow looks uneasy now as we get closer and closer to the stables, and I’m suddenly wondering if I can still ride. I mean, I haven’t been near a horse for years. Dawn hasn’t either but she appears everything but worried, so I come to the conclusion it must be something you don’t forget, like riding a bike.

“Here they are!” Xander exclaims as he opens the door to the stable.

And here they are indeed. I can count eight boxes and five bewildered horses now look at us. It’s like we’re not supposed to be there, how can you get that kind of look from an animal?

“I’m taking this one.” Anya has already walked in and had a look around, and she stopped near a box which appears empty to me. (I guess the horse’s in there, because Anya’s neither crazy nor stupid, but I just can’t see it from where I am.)

“Oookay”, Xander says, then he waves a piece of paper. “George gave me some instructions though. But it’s all right if nobody wants to hear about them,” he adds as Dawn walks off to the nearest horse.

“We do,” Willow says helpfully. She’s stayed with Xander, like me, but I know it’s because she’s afraid to move one more feet ahead.

“What would I do without you two?” Xander smiles, but I suddenly feel sick. Those words… The ones he said to me before Warren got in the backyard. Oh, god. Either Xander got the same feeling or he saw what it did to me because he quickly goes back to his paper and read it. “Blah blah blah... So the horses are Muddy, Junkie, Fluffy, Pigdy, Bowly, Sainsbury and Milkyway.”

“Why did Milkyway get punished?” I ask. I wonder what horses owners think about when they name their animals.

“I thought there were eight of them,” Willow notes because she probably counted the boxes like I did.

“Well it says seven on the paper,” Xander answers. “Anyway, I think we won’t break more than two of them so seven should be enough.”

“So which ones are we supposed to take?” Dawn asks eagerly.

“Uh...” Xander looks hard at the paper, and I have another look at the horses that had the decency to show their heads. They don’t look frightening, which is a start, but one of them is really tall. I think a small one will do for me, I have no desire to struggle with something that is three times my height. I do that every night for a duty. “George said that Muddy’s good for someone who can ride, so I guess that’ll be you, Anh.”

“But I want Pigdy.” She hasn’t left her earlier spot and now I can see the horse she wants to ride. It looks good but really too nervous for me, it keeps shaking his head in a weird way. I might have to reconsider the crazy part for Anya. Maybe the demons like to scare themselves?

“Can I take Muddy then?” Dawn asks. I have the feeling Xander should give Anya and Dawn the horses they want and then see what’s left for the three of us, because otherwise this plan is doomed.

“Uh... He wrote that there was a sweet pony in a barn a few meters from here that should do for the kid. Which is you, I guess.” He looks up at Dawn, knowing as well as the rest of us what kind of reaction he’s going to get.

“I’m not a kid.” She doesn’t yell it like she used to do with Riley, but she means it even more. And I understand her. She can ride, or at least she’s the least afraid to do so, apart from Anya (and maybe Xander. I realize I have no idea about Xander’s abilities to ride) and we’re about to ask her to ride a pony which is probably the kind of pony a eight-year-old would ride. “Please, Xander. Be cool.”

“Okay. Take the Muddy one then,” Xander gives up after checking on me I was okay with this, which I obviously was. “Does anyone absolutely want a special horse? Cause I’m throwing the useless paper away if they do, and then we can all ride the beasts from hell without knowing anything about them.”

“They’re not beasts from hell,” Anya points out. “They’re horses.”

“Thanks for the tip,” Xander answers automatically. Poor boy, he’s a little overwhelmed by the power this whole thing has given him. I don’t know how I could help though, so I stick to silence. “So, you and me are left, girls. Any preference?” he asks as he turns to us.

In the back, Dawn and Anya have both started talking as they consider their future mount.

“One that doesn’t like arms,” Willow whispers, and I gently rub her arm because she’s sadly not kidding at all here.

“I think uh... I think… I don’t think, actually,” Xander concludes. “What about Bowly?”

Willow ponders, and has a look at the list of names.

“Can I get Sainsbury?” she asks softly. Poor Xander, he missed again. “I like the name. Plus it reminds me of England,” she smiles.

The smile is a good start considering she’s talking about a horse (it would be a miracle if said Sainsbury had been a frog), and Xander happily nods.

“You’re in, Will. What about you, Buffster?”

“Just give me a horse, Xan. Any’ll do, as long as he walks.”

“Ah ah, you’re one lucky woman, we’ve got that sort!” he roars as a TV host. “You’re taking Fluffy.”

“You got it,” I smile. It’s a bit ironical that a tough vampire Slayer gets a horse called Fluffy but I won’t say it.

“And I’ll take Milkyway,” he says for general interest. “So my uncle says we can just saddle and bridle them, and then go out. There are a few brushes near every stable if needed… I think we’re good.”

He takes Willow’s hand and we first go to Sainsbury’s box. Willow’s scared, but I already feel it was a good idea. Since we got here, I never had one thought for Warren. Well I just did, but just to say I didn’t, so I guess it doesn’t count, does it? Anyway, I can feel it. We’ve forgotten everything so far. And as it was the main point of the day, I think we can be happy with ourselves. Let’s just hope this will keep going.

*********

I can feel Willow's hand getting sweaty as we walk to the first box, but it might just be me imagining things. I'm not sure a hand can get sweaty in a few seconds, but it's not like I listened to any of my biology classes. Anyway, if Willow's hand didn't get sweaty in the last seconds, I know she *is* holding my hands more and more firmly. I'm glad she doesn't have Buffy-like super-hero strength because then I'd have no hand left, just a bunch of flesh and bones mixed together.

"Hey there, Sainsbury." Willow's horse raises his head when I call him. Ah, that would be perfect if he was the kind of horse that understands everything you tell him because I would explain him about Willow's fear and ask him to be nice. Sadly I'm not even sure that kind of horse even exists. "How are you boy?"

I reach for Sainsbury's nose and stroke him softly. The couple of times I rode with my uncle didn't teach me much about riding, but I can tell you pretty much anything about horse's health care and physiognomy. Which is a word I would never know if I hadn't spend two summers with my uncle when I was a kid. I don't know why he likes this word so much, but boy he does. Anyway. Sainsbury looks like a nice horse, and actually I think he's a pony. A big pony, sure, but still a pony. Not that it matters, and not that I will tell Willow, because I have a feeling that it might make her run away.

"I'm going to my horse," Buffy says as I go on stroking Sainsbury's nose.

Willow hasn't moved a muscle, and she's still shattering my hand in pieces, but at least she doesn't breathe too heavily. Buffy's right to go, because this thing with Willow is going to take time.

"No prob," I say. "Just tell me when you guys are ready." I turn to Willow. "I'm gonna get in the box and tie your horse with the tether, all right?" She nods, but doesn't let of my hand. "I… I kinda need my hand back to do that, Will."

"Oh! Okay. I'm sorry." She suddenly drops my hand as if it had burnt her.

"Hey, no big deal," I smile. "See, he's nice. He doesn't move around." She looks at the horse but doesn't say anything. "I'll be right back."

Quickly I go catch a tether and a halter, and I'm back to the box. Willow has moved back a little, but not that much, and Sainsbury hasn't moved at all. Okay, good. The box next to Willow seems empty, and in the one after that Dawn's already brushing her horse down with all her will and talking about it to Anya, who's also started getting her mount ready, from what I gather. Buffy's less zealous, but she started too. Now, on to Willow.

"Okay, you want to go in as I tie him? Or you can just stand here."

"I'll stay here."

"Your choice." I try to smile a lot because it might cover my fear that this whole thing turns into a nightmare. "See, once I’ve tied him up, he won't do anything. And you can brush him down. Can you grab a brush next to ya?"

"Here." She puts the brush on one of the box's edge, as I tie the tether to the iron ring.

I walk back, the door can stay open now. Sainsbury really is a nice horse. He's chestnut, but his hair is golden – ah ah, uncle Harris has got weird horses. Somehow I'm not that surprised. He's also got a nice heading in shape of a… pear, or something like that.

"He looks good, doesn't he?" I ask her.

"Yeah. He's big."

"You'll forget all about his bigness once you're on him, I promise. You'll look great."

"So when do you put something on him so he doesn't hurt me?" She frowns as she stares at the horse, but it's my turn to frown.

"Something? I think I'm missing something here Will. It's done, he has something. He has the tether. You know, the rope?"

"I know." For a second I think she's going to pout, but she's just confused. "But he can still move his head. What if I'm brushing him and he decides he wants to taste my arm? He can do that."

"Well I thought about stapling every single inch of his head, but I couldn't get my hands on a staple big enough." Willow's eyes start enlarging. "I'm joking."

"Oh." Still, she looks relieved. That's my Will. Too focused on the horse to think about sarcasm. "I knew that." I can't help laughing, and she gently punches my guts. "You're mean. I'm all worried about your big horse and you mock me."

"Mock? Stop with the British already, Will." I go on laughing.

"Actually mock's American too," Buffy notes from her horse's box.

"Ah!" Willow exclaims. "See? Stop teasing."

"Okay, I'm sorry." I take a deep breath and stop laughing. God did I need to have a good laugh. "Anyway, back to the point. I can't tie him more than this, Will. Or I'll just strangle him."

"Hum." She doesn't look convinced. "But horses…"

"Look, I'll take care of the head part, and you take the other parts. The limbs and all?"

"How do I know he won't kick?"

I feel like tutoring a four-year old.

"Because he's nice, Will. He won't kick. Horses don't kick people."

"Actually one of my friends…" Dawn starts, and I'm feeling bad, bad "evil horse" tale coming up.

"Let's just brush the horses, all right?" I ask around. Dawn got the message, or Buffy glared at her. Anyway, she doesn't resume the story. "So, Will. Take the brush." She does, and I grab one myself. "Good. So we're gonna walk in together, and I'll show you how you're supposed to brush that beasty down."

"Okay."

"Except you have to show your hand to him first."

"Why?!" She was startled. "Why can't I just brush him, Xan? Please?"

"No, you have to do that." I'm happy I didn't get married this year (oh god no, I don't mean that!! Sorry. Or I do, but just for the sake of the sentence I was thinking of), because then I might already have a kid on the way, and I'm feeling it's going to be real hard to say no to one of my kids. It's already way too hard with Will. And last time I checked, she wasn't anything near my kid. "If you do, the horse will smell you and he'll see who you are, and he won't be annoyed that you're brushing him. And if he sees you're nervous, he'll be nicer to you so you don't get more nervous."

Actually that was a big lie and I'm happy nobody notices anything (I'm thinking Anya's really absorbed into her brushing because I would have sworn she'd say something) because things are hard enough as they are.

"So… how do I show him my hand so he doesn't do anything bad?"

"Like this." I take her hand and open it so the palm’s facing the ceiling. "You keep it as open as you can. He can't bite an open hand."

That was supposed to be a supportive bit, but I'm not sure it worked. So I take Willow's wrist and I extend her hand towards Sainsbury's nostrils. Her hand is shaking because she's opening it as much as she can. Her muscles are too stretched. I try to keep it calm with my own grip. I'm standing right beside her and I feel her body tensing as the hand approaches the horse. It feels like that first time we kissed in 12th grade, when we were in her room and I had just put my tux on… She tied up the bow tie for me and as she did I could feel the tension growing between us. Not that I'm thinking of this horse experience as something sexual. Looking at linoleum doesn't make me want to have sex anymore. It's just that tension running through her body and my body now because she's succeeded in making me afraid too. What if Sainsbury really tries to chop off her hand?

But thank god, Sainsbury's just a normal horse. He straightens up his ears when he sees the hand and sniffs it before he wheezes on it. Willow jumps a little as the horse's breath reaches her skin but I'm holding her now and she doesn't walk back. I hold her closely as Sainsbury touches her hand with his lips, probably wondering if we have something for him to eat, and she's holding her breath now. She just doesn't breathe anymore, I hope she's not dead. Finally the horse gets bored with the hand that has nothing to eat in it, and lowers his head in a attempt to grab a mouthful of straw.

"See Will?" I whisper to her. "He didn't hurt you. He likes you."

"He blew on my hand."

I can't help laughing again. See, that's just me. That's how I get rid of the tension. And boy, I didn't do it enough for the last year. We need to laugh more, all of us. I need to start joking more again. I kiss her on the cheek in a moment of thrill, and she smiles broadly. Okay, she did take her hand away from the horse, but she's smiling. Go smiley Willow go.

**********

I can't help peeping at them. Part of me craves for a hug with them when I see them like this. I want to run and take them in my arms and tell them how much I love them and how much I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, Willow. Not anymore. I know it's bad, and I know today's supposed to be the day where I don't feel bad about it. But I'm not really the kind of person who forgives, may it be for one day. Now I'm just confused. I would just want to erase the past year, because it would make things so much easier. And I would be standing here not torturing myself about whether I should feel guilty because I feel like forgiving Willow. I guess Angel could help us, he does know something about forgiveness…

I remember after mom died, I asked Giles if I was losing the ability to love. And then the first Slayer had this speech about how death was my gift and god why do I bring back memories that hurt so much? Death was my gift. It was ripped away from me. You don't take a gift back, do you? But they didn't know… Back to the ability to love. I surely haven't regained it this year. The way I acted towards everyone, Dawn, Willow… Spike surely didn't help. Try rough sex as a way to learn loving again, I can swear it's the worst idea ever. And I'm back there. That whole rough sex thing really disturbs me, huh? Back to love, because it's so much better. I felt like this summer was better. I did stuff with Dawn, we had her birthday, she seemed happy and loved. I hope I can go on this way, and I so hope I can do that with Xander and Willow. I don't want them to be my best friends because we've known each other for years and we've been through so much together. I want them to be my best friends because we help each other and we love each other and show it. I want them to be proud of me as a friend.

But again, it's because I want everyone to be proud of me that I keep hiding things I shouldn't keep for myself, and that's the exact reason why I didn't tell them about where I was and about Spike, and… jeez, can't life be simpler? Just for a while? Can't it just be, I'd like this cute boy at the bar to notice me, I'd like Dawn to get an A for her biology project? Of course not.

I leave my spot as Xander kisses Willow on the cheek and they giggle. I want to giggle with them again. Anyway… back to the horse. I'm not sure I'm supposed to watch them like this. As a matter of fact, the horse I got looks cool. Smaller and thicker than I expected. She's black and white, like Miss Horse Fantastico, Dawn would say, and she's got this gentle look. She pretty much watches every single movement of mine, but she doesn't seem too nervous. Just curious. Actually, I talked to her. I know, it's lame, but I haven't been near a horse for ages and I was afraid I wouldn't manage. I don't know if the talking helped in any way, but it made me feel more comfortable.

"You're a good mare, aren't you?"

I stroke her head again and she closes her eyes. I think she likes it, and I smile. I forgot how good it felt to feel important. To feel that what you do makes someone happy. Okay, she's just a horse, but it still means something. If Xander can get Willow to ride and touch the horses, I'll show Fluffy to her. I have the feeling she might like that mare.

**********

Wow. That took long, but we're finally out. Not outside-out, not yet, but outside the box-out. Believe it or not, but I did manage to make Willow brush that pony down! She almost brushed it all on her own!! (although to be honest, the only time I did step out of the box while she was still brushing the horse, she turned around and gave me such a panicky look I had to step inside again) Ah-ah, I'm feeling big super-hero Xander vibes here…! Okay, maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm so glad we made it through the brushing. I think it was the hardest part for Willow – after all, she never really rode that pony because he bit her before she got to ride him and after the biting she wouldn't go anywhere near the pony- but now we've left the scary ground for the unknown ground. I feel like a riding teacher wouldn't have been too much, but hey, you can't have everything.

"Your horse is ready, Xan!" Dawn exclaims. "You guys ready to go?"

Oh, right. As this was taking so much time with Willow, I asked the girls to get my horse ready for me. So I don't even have a clue what he looks like.

"Yeah. Huh… so, now, you…" I'm kinda short on ideas. Someone help me please?

"There are some rings outside," Buffy says. Thank you Buffster. Who doesn't need a woman in his life?

"Yeah, we can tie them up there if you want to, and then we see when we meet back and we can go. It's getting late," Anya notes.

"We'll do that. Willow, you think you can lead Sainsbury outside?"

"You mean alone?" The panicky look is back on her face.

"No, no, I was just being stupid," I say. "Buffy, you can take the horse outside with her? I'm taking my horse."

Buffy nods with a smile and walks up to Willow. Anya and Dawn are already going out with their mounts – I know some keen girls…! – so I quickly go to Milkyway's box and I open it. Quick look at the thing I'm supposed to ride. He's tall, taller than I thought, and grey. Dapple-grey, I should say. Anyway. I grab the reins and as I take him outside, I have a quick look at Buffy and Willow. Apparently they're going out of the box and no one’s got hurt yet. This is dumb because Buffy is a big girl and she knows how to handle things, but I can't help being nervous because I'm not next to Willow.

Of course I'm worrying for nothing. When I'm done tying Milkyway up, my two girls are stepping outside, each on one side of the horse, and Willow is holding the reins pretty close to the horse's mouth. Actually Buffy and her are laughing. I smile just because I hear them laugh. I think you only realize how much you missed laughing when you didn't do it for a while, pretty much like everything else.

"So, where can we go?"

Oh, right, we still have eager girls there. I turn around to face Anya.

"Well, you know how to ride, right? I think I'm gonna stay close to the stable for a while, y'know, so Willow can get used to the horses and all. Buffy's staying too. So why don't you and Dawn just ride off?"

"Like, we can go anywhere we want?" Dawn asks, suddenly interested.

"Well, yeah. Anya's a grown-up, and I don't think you'll get lose anyway. Go ahead. It's just gonna be boring for you guys here."

"All right, you don't have to tell me twice. Hey Ahn, what about a quick race to the trees there?" Dawn's clearly happy. I'm glad. I'm feeling happiness from pretty much everyone here, and it's been a while since I got that feeling.

Anya and Dawn both mount on their horses. Dawn's is amazingly tall and way too nervous, I hope she'll manage… I'd feel pretty guilty if she broke her arm or something. I don't really want it to become some kind of tradition, the Scoobies breaking Dawn's arm. But she's way less worried than I am, and she quickly hustles off in the grass, Anya on her side.

"Wow. They're going real fast," Willow says with a hint of fear in her voice. "You sure Dawn will be okay?"

"I hope so," Buffy replies as she watches her sister moving away. "She rode a little a few years ago when we went to dad's for the summer, I guess she's still good."

"I think a little independence will do the Dawnster good," I note.

"Yeah."

You've probably been wondering why Anya came along. I mean, it might not be obvious after everything that happened. But in fact it's quite simple. I'm just trying to make things better. Big task for little Xander, I know. But at least I'm trying. B.E time was bad for Anya, because I was all concerned with Willow and Tara's funeral, so when Willow left, I decided I was going to… make efforts. Show interest in Anya, care about what she did and everything. It was hard because first she didn't really help me, plus I was trying hard to care without looking jealous or too gluey. Believe me, that's hard. Anyway, it improved. After days and days, she finally looks at me and there's something else than thirst for vengeance. It's not exactly snuggley-wuggley love yet, but at least it's a little better…

Anyway, when we first came to talk about the horse day idea, we wondered with Buffy if we should invite Anya along. Dawn was saying we should (don't ask. She just seems more at ease with Ahn now) but Buffy and I were worried… y'know, it was just a day between best friends. And then somehow we realized she was also the only one really able to ride and it became obvious then. We had Willow, who couldn't ride. Buffy, who wasn't sure she could ride. Me, supposed to help Willow. Dawn, who would get bored if she couldn't gallop (or at least that's what you're led to believe when said Dawn keep saying every single morning, so, I can gallop when we’re there, huh? I can?). And Anya… well, who could ride. What is happening right now is pretty much what I had thought – Dawn and Anya will have fun together between people who can ride, and the rest of us here…

"So Will, you ready steady?"

"Go." Her voice's still not that enthusiastic.

I smile and go take her hand. Buffy's just been taking her own horse out, and is tying it up. Okay. Here we are.

**********

I didn't pay attention to what they were doing. Xander told me to have a try on my horse, to see how it felt and all, so I did, and I just became so absorbed in the riding I completely forgot they were there for a few minutes.

Fluffy's energetic, I like that. I can feel her strong back limbs pushing at every step and it feels good to sense her so attentive, so dynamic. She keeps her ears straight and moves them around quickly from time to time, her neck is strong too, there's definitely something in this little mare I love. Coming to think about it, she's like me. She just looks so vulnerable, so small on the outside, but now I'm riding her I can feel she's really one mighty pony. I suddenly feel like laughing.

I move away from Xander and Willow for a few minutes, and I let go a little of the reins. Fluffy shakes her head because I was probably holding her too tight before that, and lowers her head. I take advantage of her brief calm to turn around and have a look at my friends.

Willow and Xander are still facing Willow's horse and they're talking. I hope Willow has the guts to ride, because I'm sure she'd love it. It's impossible to describe, and apparently hard to remember because I had forgotten all about it, but riding is a wonderful impression. It's… again, impossible to describe. It's a feeling in your guts. You can feel the horse's muscles moving even though there's the saddle between you and him, and you feel insecure and powerful at the same time – you're controlling a living being, and at the same if Fluffy decides she's tired of me, she might very well kick and throw me away. I'm not sure I'm making my point clear here, but actually I'm not even sure I *have* a point.

What I'm sure of is that I have something else to talk about with Dawn. I'm beginning to think it was a really great idea.

**********

“It’s gonna be okay.” This phrase’s gotta be the one I said most all day. And I got a Xander feeling it might not be over. “I’m holding the horse, Will. He can’t move.”

“O-okay.” She grabs the horse’s hair. “So I grab the hair, I put my foot in the stirrup, and I lift myself up,” she rehearses. She turns to me so I nod happily.

I stroke Sainsbury’s nose, slowly, because I’m really getting all nervous. Please Mr. Pony, don’t move. I know everything’s doomed if he moves as Willow’s getting on the saddle. You think you can even stop breathing, hey Sains? But he just seems calm, his eyes are half-closed. Nothing risky with this horse.

“Good Will, good,” I encourage her gently as she lifts herself up. Thank god Sainsbury’s no basketball player – and by that, in case you need the Xander decoder, I mean he’s not tall so Willow can actually get on the horse without trouble.

And then she freezes. Like in completely-stop-moving-freezes. I would actually like to check if she’s breathing or not. She’s there, on the horse, not moving a muscle anymore. I can read in her eyes she’s rarely been so terrified – except that time when her parents put her on the pony that had just bitten her. And back then, she started crying so hard I started crying myself because she was sad and I didn’t like it. Yeah, pretty messy. And you weren’t there.

“Xander?” she whispers. “I’m scared. Honestly. It’s not fun at all.”

I let go of the reins, the horse’s still tied anyway, and I go to her.

“Willow? Look at me.” She does, but she’s moving her head so slow it makes me afraid. “Stop being all freezed up, Will. It won’t change anything if you move like a normal person, honest.” She nods uncertainly, but at normal speed. “Okay, look at me. The horse can’t do anything to you, he can’t bite you okay?”

“I’m a bit frightened he’ll throw me down,” she says quietly.

“You shouldn’t.” I put my hand on her thigh, and then on her arm because on the thigh it feels a bit weird. “See he’s a nice horse. He knows his job and you’ve never seen a horse throw anyone down on purpose have you? Or it’s just a crazy horse and well, these are easy to spot. They’re looking at you all spooky and everything. This one’s not crazy. So I’m gonna untie him and walk you around a little so you can get used to riding, okay? We’re just gonna walk. If anything’s wrong, you tell me, and we’ll stop. You think you can do that for me Will?”

“I-I’ll try.” My Will, my hero. I’m not in her skin, but I’m ready to wager a bunch of money on the fact she’s scared to death.

“You’re the best, Will,” I smile. “I’d kiss you on the cheek if I had any gogo-gadgeto-jump.”

She smiles back, and I’m feeling all warm. It may just be the sun, but I felt it inside me. Yay, I make her smile again. I untie Sainsbury, who has the decency to open his eyes, and I grab the halter.

“Take the reins, Will… Good. You don’t need to hold them too tightly, I’m the one controlling the horse for the moment, okay? Here we go.”

And I start walking with the horse.

“Oh…oh, Xander. I think I’m gonna fall. It’s weird.” Ever heard someone saying weird with a Brit accent? You should. It’s cute.

“Don’t worry, you won’t fall. Just lay back a little, right. Feels good, huh?”

“I feel the horse moving. Is it normal? I’m not sure it’s normal, Xander. Oh, oh, he moved his head.” And actually, he did. He had a glance at the horse Buffy’s riding. She looks as if she’s doing great, by the way. I’m glad. I feel like a little king. Even Willow isn’t having too bad a time. I know she’s in babbling mode but it’s not totally bad babbling. It’s more… letting-off-steam babbling. “Oh, Xander, look. He has a white spot on his back. Why does he have that? I am not certain it should be there. Don’t turn around, Xan. If you’re not looking at him maybe he’s going to be mean. Actually you know it feels funny. Not too bad. But just walking, huh Xander? Don’t go faster.”

“So you’re feeling good now?”

“Yeah,” she admits. “Well, not too bad. You’re right, he’s a nice horse. I kinda like it. Not that I want to do this all the time but I thought it’d be scarier. He’s not that tall too. I think if I fall I won’t hurt myself too bad. What do you think?”

I smile broadly. I love listening to her when she’s babbling because it’s like a song, only it’s sweeter. And she sounds all rushed, I love it. With the horse walking, her hair is bouncing on her shoulder. Did I say she got a new haircut in England? I just love the new one. You know I think that’s part of why I love Willow so much. I think she’s attractive, sweet, pretty, I love the way she talks and the way she frowns, and I love her eyes and I want her to be happy, but I don’t *love* her. I don’t sex-love love her. I want to tickle her and laugh with her and hug her but that’s all. I don’t feel the need or the desire to have sex with her, or not like I have sometimes with Anya. And I love this. I love that I can love her so much without being confused about what I feel. She makes me so happy.

“I think you’re the next Zorro, Will. Okay, careful I’m gonna jump on the horse with you.”

“Why? What?”

“We’re gonna trot.”

**********

I don’t know for how long I’ve been riding now. You lose sense of time so easily sometimes. I’ve trotted now, and I liked the rhythm the mare had, very steady and firm. It’s funny how I remember everything now, it’s like going back in time. Back to the time where my parents were together and we were happy, when I had no Slayer problem and no vampire problem (in every possible sense).

I turn towards the woods. I have to be careful when I hold the reins because I still have Slayer strength and I know I could hurt the mare pretty badly. I wouldn’t want that because I’m finally feeling so good. It reminds me of when I was invisible. It frees me. It’s funny because I don’t like animals. They don’t bother me, but I live pretty well without them. Life’s full of surprises, I guess.

I smile to myself and the sun, and I sit back in the saddle. I have a chilling feeling running through my body. I want to gallop and I know I can but part of me is still scared. Gallop means speed, and less control over the horse. But it’s precisely why I want to do it, isn’t it? I wonder if people who ride often still have this squeezing feeling in the chest before they ask their mount to gallop – I know I do.

The mare knows her job. As soon as I give her a quick pressure with my heel, she’s off. She feels even stronger when she’s galloping like this, and she’s amazingly fast for her height. I guess I could hold up my wrists so she slows down but I don’t want her too. I even press my heels against her sides once more and she increases her speed. I thought I’d be scared to death but I’ve rarely felt so good. It’s a sort of ecstasy. The wind in your hair and the clattering of the hoofs, you don’t hear anything anymore, the strength of the horse and the warmth of the sun on your skin, you feel powerful (and considering I’m the Slayer that means something). You’re one with the horse, you can feel and see her muscle contracting and you feel like you’re going so fast…

She doesn’t stop, she never hesitates. She gallops and gallops like there’s no tomorrow, in a flowing movement, and when she reaches the edge of the woods she abruptly turns right to go on running. The turn is sudden and for a second I stop breathing, but then we’re galloping again along the huge trees and I laugh.

I can’t stop laughing.

I’m free and alive and I love this.

***********

“Xander, no. Xan, I’m scared. Stop!”

“Will, trust me. Pretty please? I’m sure you can do it.”

“But you’re almost not holding me.”

I got on the horse just behind her. Thank you, Uncle George hasn’t got those big American saddles – actually I don’t know how his kind of saddles are called, because they aren’t English either, from what I know (I *do* remember a lot of stuff he told me. It’s amazing. I would have managed some Cs at school if they had horse class!). I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t make them himself. I guess I’m not even surprised considering the family I have. Anyway, the saddle is almost flat so I could get behind Willow without feeling too uncomfortable.

“I am holding you. My arms are around you.” Which is true, but to be honest, I’m holding the reins, so I’m not really grabbing Willow. I’m more… supporting her. It’s probably dangerous, but I trust her. She can have balance. She was ending-the-world Willow a few months ago, and she can’t stay on a horse? No. That’s not possible. Or I hope it’s not. “You trust me?”

“I trust you. It’s the horse I have trusting issues with,” she says.

“Y’know Will, I wish we could be in a motion picture. We would already be galloping under moonlight by now.”

“Well I wouldn’t be afraid of horses in a motion picture. And it’s just noon, you can’t have moonlight.”

“You’re being *so* rational,” I smile. “In my movie the sun would go down as soon as we’d be galloping.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to see a movie where the sun sets so easily.” I can feel her relaxing. Good. I wonder what’s best. Suddenly asking the horse to trot? I’m kinda afraid she’d hate me forever if I did it and she fell or something. Yeah, I’ll wait to tell her.

“Yes you would, because it would be my movie and it’d be your best friend duty to go and see it and tell me I’m the best director ever. And then the video would come out and it’d have ‘Harris is the best director ever! –Willow Rosenberg’ written at the bottom in gold letters.”

“How would it be called?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet. But right now I’m thinking, Can we trot? would be nice.”

“Okay, then,” she sighs. “But not too fast. You promise not going too fast, huh Xander?”

“I swear.”

I hold her a bit more firmly with my arms, I settle more firmly in the saddle, and I press my heels against the horse’s sides. And… the horse wakes up. Or realise I’ve asked him something, but was dozing off and didn’t get what it was. Ah, what would it be like if I didn’t look stupid for once? At least this time I don’t have any Cordelia around to tell me. (Dear Cordy… funny how I *don’t* miss her)

I press my heels once more, and this time the information gets through because we start boucing together, Willow and me, on the saddle. Turns out I’m nowhere near Zorro, and that it’s not easy at all for your average boy-next-door human to control a pony when having a best friend blocking your movements and your view just before you.

“Ahh, Xander!! I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall. Please stop!! Xander, please, I hate it. Xander. I’m falling!”

“You’re not, Will, you’re not!” I try to shout over her voice. In my movie the heroes will look a lot less dumb and a lot more skillful. “Just… calm down. Don’t move your arms around. Don’t lean forward, Will! Just stay calm.”

This is *so* not good. Two other minutes like this and we’re on top of other on the ground with a few arms broken. God, I’m losing balance myself with Willow struggling before me. Okay, total crazy situation here. Where is a good Giles to say reassuring things when you need him? Actually Giles would probably scream very calmly, “You are on the verge of falling, Xander,” which wouldn’t help. I think he’d know what to do better than me anyway, even though he’s probably never ridden.

Okay, red code, or rose code like Will would say. I know it’s crazy, but I press my heels against Sainsbury’s sides again, and suddenly he’s galloping.

“What’s happening, Xander? Xander? I can’t see anything. What are we doing?”

“You can’t see?” I yell, worried.

“I closed my eyes,” she answers. “What is happening, Xander?”

“Huh, don’t worry. We’re… we’re galloping. Don’t panic. It’s a very slow gallop, okay?”

“What? Why? Xan, you said we’d trot and we wouldn’t go too fast and when you see horses on TV they’re galloping and they’re going so fast and if I fall I’m going to die here and I’m losing my balance, Xander!”

“Will, Will, calm down.” I’m never teaching my kids to ride anything but a carousel. “Lean into me, okay? Don’t lean forward, lean back. Yeah, like this, good. No, not too much, I can’t see anything.” Next time I need to tell her to tie her hair – but that said, there’ll probably never be a next time. “Yes, good. Just relax now. It’s easy to keep your balance. Just feel the movement, okay. Just think about nothing else but the movement, okay?”

“Yeah. I think I’m going to open my eyes. I’m scared.” I feel her whole body tensing all of a sudden and I know she’s opened her eyes. I let go of one rein and I use my free arm to circle her waist. “We’re not going that fast,” she notes. “I like it that you’re holding me like this.”

“See, good. We’re good. We’re Zorro-good.”

Just in case you need that cleared up. I’m not crazy. I didn’t think, oh, it’s going so bad when we’re trotting, let’s gallop so it can go even worse or something. I didn’t want to slow down and go back to pacing because I thought, well, Willow will never want to trot again, let alone gallop and I don’t want this because she’ll have this bad memory of this day and it’s my day and my idea and I want her to remember it and smile this nice smile she has when she’s happy. So I asked for gallop. I know it doesn’t seem like the wisest idea but really, on a horse you don’t have that much choice when you’re trotting. Or anyway on the horses I’ve ridden so far. Who knows what genetics can do.

“I don’t mind galloping that much,” she admits after a while.

The good thing about gallop is the rhythm. It’s not all bouncing like trot. It’s more like a wave. I remember the groom teaching me the movements. Right posterior, right diagonal, left anterior. It was like a song the way he said it (by the way it had nothing to do with it but I think he was gay), and I sang it along with him. Hey, I never said my youth was a rollercoaster of fun. Right posterior, right diagonal, left anterior. It’s a wave, really. And this Sainsbury, he’s no Black. He’s nice, he knows his job, but he doesn’t push if he’s not asked to so his gallop isn’t fast. And believe me, I won’t ask him to push it. I’m not totally stupid.

“See? It feels good, huh?” I’m smiling broadly again because she really didn’t sound too scared.

“Yeah, sort of. It’s not as bad as I thought. But I don’t like trotting.”

“He’s just not a good trotty horse. And look! I can let go of the reins!” And so I do.

“Xander!!!”

I laugh, and I circle her waist with my second arm. I hope the horse goes on galloping though.

“Comon Will, take the reins.” She shakes her head. “Of course you can do it.”

Reluctantly, she does.

“What do I do now?”

“Nothing,” I smile. “Just hold the reins, and if a big wall comes up, turn around.”

It feels better now, we’ve both got used to the rhythm and I’m more comfortable now that I don’t have to hold the reins anymore. I can just concentrate on keeping Willow balanced, and she does quite well herself.

“I kinda like it,” she admits.

I hold her a bit tighter.

***********

I feel a bit guilty about this as I come back trotting to Willow and Xander. I mean, we were supposed to spend quality time together and all I’ve done is running off on my own. Jeez, doesn’t that ever end? I mean I was happy with the horse, I was having a great time and boom, here is the guilt again. I’m tired of this, I really am.

“Xander, Willow!” I yell from a distance.

They turn to me. Xander’s on his own horse and Willow’s on hers, alone. They’re only pacing, okay, but it still looks a good thing to me, that Willow has managed to ride her horse alone.

“Hey Buffster!” Xander greets me as I reach them. I can tell by the smile on his face and the sparkles in his eyes that everything’s going well. “How are you doing with the horse?”

“She’s great, she’s wonderful. I thought your uncle would have crazy horses or something,” I smile.

“Well of course he does, but he keeps them somewhere else. Actually he almost never rides these ones,” he explains as he indicates our three horses. “He says they’re no interesting. He likes the crazy ones better.”

“I like mine,” Willow states.

“Really?” I beam at her.

“Okay, like is maybe too big a word. I don’t mind him. I like Miss Kitty better.”

“Yep, but you can’t ride a cat,” Xander notes. “As far as I know.”

“So you’re feeling good on the horse?” I ask Willow.

“Yes. I galloped.” She is glowing with pride.

This is something I love about Willow. She’s so sweet. She’s like this little kid who finally succeeded at something and wants everyone to know. She’s strong. She is, really. She has something, this ability to overcome herself… I don’t feel like I have it. I mean I am stronger and stronger, but that’s not really me. It’s just Slayer powers. Willow creates her strength, which was actually the problem when she was abusing magic.

Plus… I mean, a few hours ago she would have sold her soul not to be locked alone with a horse, and now it’s all forgotten, or so it seems. She’s on this horse and she’s shining like she’s never been afraid. She has a capacity of forgiveness… I know it seems that I’m pushing it, talking about forgiveness when it’s about a horse, but really even there you can feel it. Willow, she can forgive anyone. Xander broke her Barbie but she kept loving him ; Oz cheated on her and I know that but for Tara, she would have opened her arms to him when he came back ; me, I did so many things, and she never held anything against me. I admire that. I don’t have it.

“You did? Wow, Willow!! It’s great!” I smile. “Who made you do that? I mean, you…”

“I rode with her!” Xander looks so happy too. “And nobody fell and no body part were broken. Ain’t I cool?”

“Yes you are,” I laugh. “You’re Cool Xander.”

“Or Coolander,” Willow offers.

“Great nick you got me there Will. Please never mention it again,” he grins.

“Okay, so what do we do now?” I ask.

“Well it’s a good thing you came here, Buffy.” Xander seems all serious now. I frown. “It’s just… I’d like to find Dawn and Anya. I’m not scared for them, but… I’d like to ride with Anya a little? Y’know, might help to talk and everything.”

Good-hearted Xander. He’s trying really hard to make everyone happy.

“No prob, you go guy. I’ll stay here with Willow. We’re gonna have some quality girl time, uh Will?”

She only grins at me. There really is a lot of smiling going on here, and I have the feeling Dawn and Anya won’t break the rule. God, I can’t wait to see Dawn happy. She’s… the house, it’s really the three of us now – Willow, Dawn and me - so if we could be even happier than we were two days ago when we met Willow at the airport… I’d kiss Xander on the cheek. I don’t think I ever did that, did I? Anyway, it’d be wonderful. Dawnie really happy. She deserves it. She’s tried real hard all summer long to be useful and not to complain or anything.

“Okay girls, you’re on your own,” Xander says as he turns to the woods. He waves at us, then starts leaving. I turn to Willow, who’s looking hard at her reins, frowning. She’s probably trying to figure something out.

“So Will, you want to do something specific, like… I don’t know. Any suggestions?”

“You think I can gallop alone?” She looks up.

“Of course!” I encourage her. Now I am very proud. A bad friend would have said, I dunno, you sure you’re not afraid, but not me. I’m Good Friend Buffy from now on. “Don’t you wanna trot first?”

Her eyes widen in fear. What did I say wrong?

“No, no trotting. I hate trotting. It’s like you’re on a plank of wood except the plank is moving and you’re bouncing and it hurts, and you lose your balance and bam, you fall.”

“Okay then, no trotting. I’m fine with it.” I know some teacher would have disagreed with that… I never really understood why Dawn kept going to her lessons because her teacher, really, she was all but nice. I think she got fired from the army because she liked torturing the victims too much. Anyway. “So we’re gonna gallop til that house there, okay?” I say as I point the said house.

“Yeah. It’s not too far. How do I tell him I want to gallop? I just know how to stop him.”

“You’re supposed to press your heels to his sides. Just try that, and I think he’ll follow my mare anyway.”

“Okay. I’ll try.” She looks down at her heels so she sees what she can do with them. “Buffy? If I scream, just stop, okay?”

“Don’t worry Will,” I smile.

I check a last time on her, and we’re off. Twinkle (it’s the name I give my mare now. I’m sorry, but Fluffly… it’s just ridiculous) understands instantly that I want to gallop, and so she obeys. It feels as good as it felt the first time, and for a minute I’m lost in ecstasy again. Then I turn around to see how Willow’s doing.

It’s funny, because my mare is smaller than Willow’s horse. Not way smaller but she does look weaker, and still… she’s so fast compared to the other horse. There may be two yards between Willow and me. I slow Twinkle down because I can’t see how Willow is doing from so much distance, but when I finally get a glimpse of Willow’s face, I can see her grinning. She’s not always grinning because sometimes she loses her balance a little but she’s doing really great.

“Go Twinkle go now. Everything’s good,” I tell my mare, and she’s galloping with all her will again. I love her for being so energetic.

After a few minutes though I stop her because Willow seems to be less comfortable on her saddle, and I don’t want to exhaust the horses completely now. After all, we still have to get back. Willow catches up quickly.

“So Will, how was the ride?” I ask her.

“It-it was nice. I thought I was going to fall though at one point because I think he stumbled on something. I didn’t know horses could stumble,” she considers.

“I guess they’re just normal beings then.” We both look around. I haven’t been alone with her since… I can’t even remember. It’s been so long… It’s almost funny to think I consider her as my best friend. Or actually, sad. “So you like your day then?”

“Yeah. Xander’s been so nice, I just… it reminds me of when we were little. I like this.” She smiles to herself. “I didn’t think I could do that. Ride on a horse.”

“You can do anything, Will. I mean, if you want it… you can have it. As long as it’s something not evil, of course, but again you’re not really the evil kind of person.” And is there a button to stop me? Jeez, I’m so stupid.

“Aren’t I?” The smile faded and she is looking far away, lost in her thoughts.

“You’re not, Will. You did… cross a line. But you’re not evil.”

She doesn’t answer, and I don’t add anything. Partly because I don’t know what to add, and partly because we said we wouldn’t talk about this today and I don’t want to end up having to be Superior Buffy because of the Warren thing. So I just ask Twinkle to turn around so we’re going back to the stables.

“Do you have a fake Angel?”

“What?” I turn to Willow, but she isn’t looking at me.

“You know, like sometimes you imagine he’s there and he’s taking you in his arms and he’s holding you and you can tell him everything, because you know he won’t yell at you or disapprove or anything because he’s dead.”

“Angel’s not dead. Well, he is, but he’s still walking on Earth somewhere.”

“But it would be the same thing if he had completely disappeared.” She pauses, and I don’t know what to reply. “I mean… he could as well be dead. He isn’t here anymore.”

“Oh.” I frown. It’s been years since I talked to someone about Angel and how I feel – or felt – about him. “I… I don’t think I do that anymore.”

“But you did?”

“Yeah. I mean… I couldn’t let him go.”

“So you did, and then you stopped? Even though he’s still important to you? Did you stop loving him too?”

“I didn’t really. It doesn’t mean…” Okay, I’m so not taking the Angel path. “Will, not because you stop dreaming about someone all the time doesn’t mean you stop loving him. Or her.” She considers this. “You still dream about her, don’t you?”

“Yeah… if I stop… it’s like betraying her.”

“It’s not. You know what I believe? If you really love someone, you can’t forget him, ever. But dreams… they’re about your everyday life. The present. If you ever stop dreaming about her, it will just mean that she’s become something greater. She won’t intrude your dreams because she’ll be here all the time, inside you.”

“Giles said the hardest is to let go.”

“He’s right. He is Giles, after all.”

“She liked horses. I think she would have loved that day,” Willow whispers.

“She would be proud of you.”

“Where do you think Warren sent her?”

“I’m sure she’s in some place good.”

“Like you were?” Willow finally looks at me, so I nod. “How did it feel?”

I pause. I didn’t think I would talk about it to anyone ever again. I mean, it’s been months now since I told them – you’d think they’d have asked how it was a bit earlier. But in a way, it’s better now. I’ve dealt with it. A little.

“Like Heaven,” I tell her, “except better because you don’t have any God or angels to bother you. You think only about how good it feels. You don’t really have any body, like you can’t raise your hands or anything, but you know your whole being is there, you’re still you. And I was warm all the time, I could feel your love and I knew what I did was right.” I thought it’d hurt, I thought I’d cried. But it’s good to tell Willow and to tell her that was probably what Tara felt right now. It even made me realize that I wasn’t even lying for Willow’s well-being. These thoughts were the reason part of me wasn’t too sad Tara was gone.

“Tara didn’t do anything right before she died. She didn’t sacrifice herself.”

“She did better. She loved you, and she loved us all. She took care of Dawn, Dawn adored her. She didn’t judge me. She had the best heart and the most beautiful mind of us all and I don’t mean to sound all priesty, I really mean it. If anyone on Earth deserved to go where I was, it was her. Or Mother Theresa.”

Willow smiles weakly.

“It means a lot to me… that you liked her,” she says.

“I don’t think I showed her as much gratefulness as I wanted to. And you know, it’s too bad we’re both riding, because I could use a hug right now.”

Willow turns to me and smiles more frankly this time.

“Can I get a hug when we’re back to the ground then?”

“I pro-”

“Willow!! Buffy!!” Both surprised, we finally spot Dawn coming towards us at breakneck speed. God, I’m glad she didn’t fall yet. She slows down at she gets to us, and I’ve never seen her smile so broadly. “Yay Willow, you’re on the horse!” If she wasn’t riding right now, I think she’d be hopping about. “It’s great!!”

“So you’re doing well,” I state.

“Yeah, this horse is totally great. Like, in the forest there was this big ditch and Anya wasn’t sure we could jump it but my horse was like, so fast I didn’t think twice about it and she totally did it. She didn’t even slow down or anything.”

“You jumped a ditch? I thought horses could just jump these bars they show on TV all the time,” Willow points out.

“Nah, that’s just when you’re practicing. Ditches are more fun. Except when you find dead people in there because that’s so gross. Anyway. We jumped a barrier too but actually I think we weren’t supposed to so we jumped back after.” And as Dawn is talking, I remark her horse is remarkably calm. If I had such a jumpy girl on my back, I would be tempted to paw the ground and all. Or maybe she just tired it to death. “And then we did that race in the trees and it was so fun, we couldn’t see anything. So you guys are going back?”

“Where are Xander and Anya? You didn’t leave them in a ditch or something?” I ask.

“Nope, I think they need to talk. Y’know,” she rolls her eyes, “the altar thing and everything. I thought I’d bother them so I came back,” she grins.

“Okay then. Will, you feel up to a little gallop?” I ask.

She nods, so we all get ready, and I explain again to Willow how she’s supposed to ask her horse to gallop.

“You know...” Dawn says, a lot more quietly, as we’re about to go, and I’m not sure if she’s talking to us or just to herself. “I think my horse’s too great to be called Muddy. I would like to call her Tara.”

**********

All the horses are back and parked (that’s just my own way to say they’re back in their stables). Nobody died, got lost or even got hurt. All in all, I say that’s a pretty good happy end, uh?

“So Will,” I ask her as she’s coming out of the stables. Anya has decided to have a look around, and Dawn and Buffy are still inside so there’s just Willow and me out here. It’s still being back in 6th grade when she would come out of a class I didn’t share with her. Alexander Harris and Willow Rosenberg, best friends forever. “What do you say?”

“It’s nice – I mean, the horses aren’t too bad, and you… you were all great.” She looks down a moment and then looks up at me again. “Xander… thank you. Really.”

“You’re welcome,” I grin. “I wonder if I should consider being hired as a horse teacher.”

“No, I mean… for everything. For planning this day and… acting as if nothing had happened.” Her look is distant and her face is a bit pale now. “It means so much to me.”

“I know. You’re still my very great best friend, Will. You know that.”

I walk to her, not too quickly because somehow it feels like she’s going to get afraid.

“Come on. I need to hug you,” I smile.

I open my arms and she falls into them. I mean, almost literally. She falls into my arms, and bursts into tears. She’s crying against my shoulder, clutching my shirt dirty and smelly with horsy stuff. I don’t think she wants to say anything. I hug her back, and I feel like we’re back in May. When she stopped being all evil-baddy and became just a sorrowful young woman… and it hurts so much when she shares her pain like this. I hug her back, I want to suffocate her with my love. I want so badly to erase everything that happened last year.

She clutches my shirt a little tighter, and I hug her a little closer. I love her.

**********

“So, Twinkle, this is goodbye.” I look at the mare. She’s very calm, she doesn’t move her head, a bit like she’s feeling it’s not time to go away yet.

I stroke her nose, slowly, and I look into her big eyes. They’re so peaceful, there’s something wonderful about it. I have this pang in my heart I can’t explain, alone with this horse in this dark stable, facing this quiet animal that nevertheless seems to express something. I’m feeling so sad right now, sadness I can’t explain. It’s time to go back to reality and it’s too tough to deal with. I care about my friends and it’s too painful to have to tell them they’re unforgivable.

“I missed you.” I didn’t even hear Dawn coming back in. I keep looking at Twinkle and stroking her nose. “And I missed riding, too,” my little sister goes on.

“We can try to come back here if you want… and if Xander’s uncle is okay with it. I mean, you know we can’t afford riding lessons, I…” Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your little sister, your only family, being miserable and then telling her that one of the things that would make her happy is too expensive?

“I don’t want riding lessons anyway. I like it better when I’m riding on my own. Or with you. I’d like to ride with you.”

She’s standing by my side now, and starts stroking the mare.

“We’ll try to. You know I promised we’d do things together.”

“Yeah.”

Silence follows, as a sunray enters the stable and makes Twinkle’s eyes sparkle. I think I can forgive.

************

************

Having friends is the best thing you can get from life.
Losing a friend is one of the worst.
Why should we forgive? How should we do it? When? Is it really the best thing to do? No matter how much you were hurt, how wrong you friend was, do they deserve to suffer forever?
I was never good with philosophy, with overthinking. I like feelings better and sometimes I think it’s easier to deal with life this way.

Love, love, love. And forgive.